He's Gone

I thought the words would come easy. i thought i knew exactly what it was that i wanted to say - but no words are coming.

So much has happened in the space of 8 days - well, 9 if you count today, and my head is still spinning. I'd be lying if i told you the tears have completely dried up or that it doesn't hurt anymore.

Anyway, after the awful chat we had on Thursday where our relationship looked doomed, I went to bed before he got home on Friday and did my best to ignore him on Saturday morning before he went to work. It wasn't easy though, as K is ill. She's had a cough for weeks now, but it has become much worse and she developed a temperature on Friday. We were supposed to be going out to Ipswich v Leeds on Saturday, and she'd been really excited about that. But she just wasn't well enough, so we spent the day on the sofa together instead. He, of course, went to work as usual.

My mum rings me every Sunday morning, and as I had no idea what I should tell her, asked hubby. He said we should talk again. I agreed. So we did. And he told me that "she" was completely gone from his mind and that he still loved me. In my desperation to hang on to my (dysfunctional) family, I said we should at least try one more time for K's sake so that if it didn't work, at least we'd given it our best shot. He agreed. I went to bed happier that night, at least we had something to work on.

But then came Sunday. He didn't get out of bed until mid afternoon. And then when he got up, he couldn't even look at me. K was still ill, having been sick in the morning. The atmosphere was awful and I just didn't know what to do / say. It felt like he had the upper hand - again!

And so it went on. In the evening, I became so upset with it all, I decided to go for a walk. He just let me walk out of the front door at 10.30pm as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

I wasn't out for long though, because suddenly reality hit me right in the face. I didn't have to put up with this. None of it is my fault, and I'm not some young girl with no life experience. So I stormed back home, into my living room, and although I'm not proud of this bit, I lunged at him ... really wanting / needing to hurt him. Unfortunately, K woke up and started crying. And he threatened me that if I carried on, I'd see another side to him ... funny, i thought I'd already seen that! So I told him to leave. And he did.

We sent texts to each other yesterday about K's health. I took her to the doctors and he prescribed some antibiotics. Apparently, there's a bug going round.

He rang to speak to her at one point, but didn't hold on to talk to me. Yet again, he has the upper hand.

So, more confused / angry than ever, I texted him before going to bed to ask if he'd told his mum yet. I know he's terrified of doing that, and thought that if he has, then it really is all over. But he hasn't. I asked him where he's staying and he said a hotel - no idea where the money is coming from for that - if it's true! So I asked if he's gone for good. He said he's confused and doesn't know what he wants as he has messed everything up. i won't tell you my response to that one ... suffice to say, I haven't heard from him since. Even my update on his daughter's health has gone unanswered.