My Little Corner

He's Gone

2010-10-05T03:37:00.000-07:00

I thought the words would come easy. i thought i knew exactly what it was that i wanted to say - but no words are coming.

So much has happened in the space of 8 days - well, 9 if you count today, and my head is still spinning. I'd be lying if i told you the tears have completely dried up or that it doesn't hurt anymore.

Anyway, after the awful chat we had on Thursday where our relationship looked doomed, I went to bed before he got home on Friday and did my best to ignore him on Saturday morning before he went to work. It wasn't easy though, as K is ill. She's had a cough for weeks now, but it has become much worse and she developed a temperature on Friday. We were supposed to be going out to Ipswich v Leeds on Saturday, and she'd been really excited about that. But she just wasn't well enough, so we spent the day on the sofa together instead. He, of course, went to work as usual.

My mum rings me every Sunday morning, and as I had no idea what I should tell her, asked hubby. He said we should talk again. I agreed. So we did. And he told me that "she" was completely gone from his mind and that he still loved me. In my desperation to hang on to my (dysfunctional) family, I said we should at least try one more time for K's sake so that if it didn't work, at least we'd given it our best shot. He agreed. I went to bed happier that night, at least we had something to work on.

But then came Sunday. He didn't get out of bed until mid afternoon. And then when he got up, he couldn't even look at me. K was still ill, having been sick in the morning. The atmosphere was awful and I just didn't know what to do / say. It felt like he had the upper hand - again!

And so it went on. In the evening, I became so upset with it all, I decided to go for a walk. He just let me walk out of the front door at 10.30pm as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

I wasn't out for long though, because suddenly reality hit me right in the face. I didn't have to put up with this. None of it is my fault, and I'm not some young girl with no life experience. So I stormed back home, into my living room, and although I'm not proud of this bit, I lunged at him ... really wanting / needing to hurt him. Unfortunately, K woke up and started crying. And he threatened me that if I carried on, I'd see another side to him ... funny, i thought I'd already seen that! So I told him to leave. And he did.

We sent texts to each other yesterday about K's health. I took her to the doctors and he prescribed some antibiotics. Apparently, there's a bug going round.

He rang to speak to her at one point, but didn't hold on to talk to me. Yet again, he has the upper hand.

So, more confused / angry than ever, I texted him before going to bed to ask if he'd told his mum yet. I know he's terrified of doing that, and thought that if he has, then it really is all over. But he hasn't. I asked him where he's staying and he said a hotel - no idea where the money is coming from for that - if it's true! So I asked if he's gone for good. He said he's confused and doesn't know what he wants as he has messed everything up. i won't tell you my response to that one ... suffice to say, I haven't heard from him since. Even my update on his daughter's health has gone unanswered.

Shattered Again

2010-10-01T00:56:00.000-07:00

Thank you all so much for your kind comments and genuinely helpful advice. This has been the worst week of my life and in the last couple of days I've gone through so many emotions, I'm literally exhausted by it all.

The bombshell was dropped on Sunday night. I'd come home after a night out, and maybe the alcohol I'd consumed gave me the courage to ask the question directly. I'd suspected for a while, but as I found out that night, there's a world of difference between suspicion and confirmation.

We argued, and as I mentioned earlier, he said that although he wasn't blaming me, our relationship had gone stale and I wasn't making the required effort in the bedroom. I disputed this, as I've always been more affectionate than him ... though I admit we were going through a bad patch.

That night, I slept in the spare room, couldn't bring myself to be near him. The next morning, I woke with a migraine, and felt like my world had turned in a horrific and frightening way. I was a mess! But I got on with it - as you do. It was important that my daughter did not to see my pain.

Monday night, he came home after work and I'd already gone to bed. Though I couldn't sleep. In fact, though I didn't realise it at the time, I was waiting for him. So that I could vent my anger and pain on him. And I did. I'm pretty sure the neighbours heard, as i could hear them moving about. But I didn't really care. He took all that I threw at him (didn't have much choice really I suppose). Eventually, I calmed down and we talked. He said he wanted us to try again, to be a proper family, and that the only reason he'd cheated was that he felt I didn't love him. So, we decided to try. I made no promises, and he understood that.

On Tuesday morning, I felt better. I'd convinced myself it was worth giving the marriage another go. But as the day wore on, images would creep into my head of the two of them together (even though I've never met her - I'd asked for a description). I couldn't eat. Didn't want to in fact - convinced he would leave me for "her" if I put on a pound. Even though she's apparently bigger than me. And he's certainly no "slim Jim" either. I guess logic wasn't really an option. When he got home, I tried to explain how hurt I was, and to tell him what I needed from him ... what I got though was silence, and the same rubbish about me not giving him enough affection.

But, I ignored my doubts and told myself that keeping the family together was worth the effort. Wednesday passed, and again I hadn't been able to eat. And sleep is a forgotten luxury. The atmosphere between us was a little better that night though, and we even talked about more mundane things.

Then came Thursday. Yesterday. The day it all collapsed around my ears again. He was late home ... he'd been on the phone - finishing things with "her" and he was upset. His pathetic tears drove another knife into the open wound in my heart, and I yelled at him again. We've been married for over 9 years and the demise of his six month fling made him cry. Or so I thought. A lot of what he's feeling is self-pity, and I'm afraid I have little sympathy for that at the best of times. He accepted every accusation I threw at him. And there were a lot of them. After their telephone conversation, "she" threatened to take tablets to end her life and then the old chestnut, "I'm pregnant". She kept texting him saying things like "I've taken 12 tablets, have no idea if I'll die". I told him that if he was worried, he should send an ambulance to her house. Call her bluff. In the end, he did nothing. No surprise there!

But then came our "conversation". He knows his future isn't with "her". But he doesn't think we can put it all behind us. There is a little bit more to this, as we have some money problems, which were threatening to overwhelm us even before all this blew up in my face. But we might just have been okay.

However, it seems he has made his decision, and will be moving out soon. Probably to live at his mum's. At least in the first instance. His family will be shocked, and upset. They really like me, and his mum in particular has always been proud of what he's achieved in his life. How the mighty have fallen.

He's promised that he'll still do whatever he can to look after us, and make sure we're ok. Even volunteering to babysit if I want to go out with another man. Ugh! That scenario is way down my list of priorities. My daughter is my whole world at this moment, and anyway, I'm kind of off men! He admitted that he's been a terrible parent and said he doesn't feel worthy of my love. Truth is, he's not. But I see a long, dark, scary road ahead, and know I must be brave and strong to see it through.

Please keep those purple vibes and hugs coming - I really need them!!

Shattered

2010-09-27T04:42:00.000-07:00

Oh crikey, where to start?

My solid, happy marriage is over. We've been struggling for ages, and last night the admission finally came that he's having an affair with someone from work. And that he loves her! Or at least he thinks he does!

So, what happens now? He's not going to fight me for custody of K, which is one good thing, but how on earth do we tell her? Should he move out? What's best for her? I'm usually such a grounded person, but this has really knocked me sideways.

We were a strange couple really in a lot of ways. He's the tidy, sensible one. I'm the messy football lover! He doesn't like football. We don't share the same taste in music. He doesn't really drink alcohol. Or enjoy going out. He hasn't been around much lately, always being sent away on courses (which he swears are genuine)and working late every night. K has been getting used to not having him around all the time, and I've effectively been a single parent.

He says he's confused. That he started the affair because he was fed up with me rejecting him, and she showed some interest in him. Perhaps that is true - if a relationship fails, it isn't usually the fault of just one person. And I think the love we had for each other died a long time ago.

But, right now, I have no idea what I should be doing / feeling / saying. My legs are shaky, and my eyes swollen. In little over 2 hours, I have to pick K up from school - what if she guesses something is wrong? What on earth do I do next?

Remember me?

2009-07-05T06:56:00.000-07:00

Well, I do not know where the time has gone! Why is it that when I wrack my brains trying to think of exciting things I've done in the past months, I can't think of a single thing. And yet, I know I've been busy ... in fact, there never seems to be any spare time ... so I must've been doing something interesting enough to share with you!?

I will start, I think, by referring back to the subject of my last post (can it really be 10 months ago?), Tara. We've had no more disappearing acts from her, which is good. However, as some of you may recall, we had to take her to the vets at the end of last year, as her breathing was very heavy and fast. The vet diagnosed a problem with her heart, and gave her approx 9 months to live. Those 9 months will actually be up later this month, and though I do not want to tempt fate, Tara is still relatively healthy and active. She is on tablets, which are certainly helping her to have a good quality of life. A couple of months or so ago, we ran out of tablets, and the day before we were due to take her back to the vets to get some more, Tara was violently sick, and my husband said he expected her to die on the vet's table as she was shaking and even weed herself, which has never happened before. However, as soon as we replenished the tablets, Tara settled down again, and although her energy level isn't brilliant, she still manages to get about, and even catches the odd bird (not something I ever thought I'd be pleased about).

K has almost completed her first school year ... how on earth is that possible? I can't beleieve how much she has learned. She has made some good friends, and despite the fact that she is much smaller than everyone else in her class, she takes no rubbish from anyone. Which is reassuring, as it is one of the things I was worried about when she started school.

I'm working now. You may recall, some time ago, I was looking for something I could do from home - well, I found something - and often wish I hadn't! Once the school holidays are over, i intend to look for a "proper" job where I will get holidays and time off without losing money (hopefully anyway)!

K and I had our annual holiday to France in the Easter holidays. It was nice to get away and to spend time with my parents, but the weather wasn't very kind to us, and there isn't really very much to do in the part of South West France where my parents live. They still have their house up for sale, so hopefully they will be back over here before too long!

*photo is of nearby town of Chabanais.

At the end of March, hubby took us to Euro Disney for a few days. I can't really say we enjoyed it. The weather was indifferent. Everything was way too expensive ... especially teh food ... and basically it just did not compare at all with the parks in Florida! Oh how I'd love to go back there!

I'm really looking forward to the school holdiays, it will be lovely to have K at home with me again. Just like old times! I think some of the other mums are going to try to arrange at least one day a week where as many of us as possible can meet up in the park or something to let the children play while we watch and enjoy a good gossip! Of course, I'll probably be working ...

Euro Disney - Aladdin, Jasmine & K.

ONE WEEK DOWN - SEVERAL YEARS TO GO.

2008-09-06T01:37:00.000-07:00

Well, the first week of school is over. And we've survived. The first day was so hard. When I woke up that morning, I felt fine and truly believed I wouldn't cry. However, when we reached the school, another mum was leaving and I heard her say to someone, "well, that's my last baby. They're all gone now." she sounded so sad, and I felt a lump form in my throat. The tears didn't start until we took K into the cloak room and I realised what a huge step this is. For both of us.

K, however has taken it all in her stride ... as she always does. She has really enjoyed her first week. She's only going part-time at the moment, and I suppose it does help me that she's only away for 3 hours at a time. Maybe I'll be upset again next month when she starts going full time. I hope not.

Tara seems to have settled back down now. we've given her loads of attention, and in return, she's brought 2 dead mice home for us. I figure that if she's bringing them here, she must feel that this is her home.

So far, here in Essex, we have been very lucky with the weather. We've had some rain, but nothing drastic. I've been watching the coverage on the news of the floods in Wales and Worcestershire this morning. It brought tears to my eyes. I feel so sorry for those people involved, especially the friends & family of the young lady who died. Having just heard that the bad weather is due to spread Northwards to Newcastle and surrounding area, I can only hope that it will not be as bad as predicted. Best wishes to anyone affected by the awful weather.

SHE'S BACK

2008-09-01T05:45:00.000-07:00

Firstly, I'd like to say a huge thank you to everyone for your lovely thoughts and positive vibes.

Tara came home last night. I'd love to be able to tell you that she turned up out of the blue by herself, but that wasn't actually the case.

When hubby came in from work at about 7.30 last night, I went out to look for Tara by myself - I felt that if she was going to come out of hiding for anyone, it would be me! As I walked around the block, a young boy asked me if I was the lady with the missing cat. My spirits soared ... but he told me he hadn't seen her, just wondered if it was me.

Then, to my surprise, I saw my friend Paul - who doesn't live in the same town - he was out scouring the streets for Tara too. I thought I heard her in a garage and my hopes raised once more when I realised the occupants were away on holiday. Only to find they had actually gone away over a week ago so there was no way Tara could have been locked in their garage.

My neighbour came out of his house and was not best pleased to find us nosing into next door's garage. Until we explained we were looking for a cat. then he recognised me and as he and his wife have the keys, he took me into the other neighbour's garden. It was a disappointment as she wasn't there. In the meantime, Paul had wandered off in the other direction.

After looking in the garden, I was chatting to my neighbours outside their house when Paul suddenly rushed up from around the corner, breathless and panicky ... and with something in his arms. It was Tara.

I'd like to say she was pleased to see me and to be home ... but I don't think she even recognised me at first. I got a scratch on my face and a kick in the chest as I took her from Paul. Then once inside, she sat crouched on the floor, panting with her mouth wide open. It was a scary sight and we made sure our daughter didn't approach her as we weren't sure if she was hurt or traumatised or maybe even both.

However, as soon as she'd eaten her food Tara started to settle down. She let us make a fuss of her and was purring happily within minutes.

My husband spoiled the mood though by telling me that he feels she left home on purpose and that next time she goes missing we "shouldn't worry about her so much". He's never really liked Tara - she's too intelligent and independent for him - so totally different to her soppy little brother, who lets himself be a teddy bear for my daughter to play with.

Talking of my daughter, I took her to the doctors this morning for her rash. The doctor said he couldn't see anything. I was amazed! Then he put his glasses on and lo and behold he could suddenly see the spots! The upshot is that it isn't contagious and is most likely a result of dry skin and a virus rather than anything more serious. This is a relief as she starts school tomorrow. A thought which terrifies me. She's only four - and surely too small to be starting school already.

A GOOD RUN OF BAD LUCK

2008-08-31T09:30:00.000-07:00

For years, I've been the kind of person who, no matter how bad things were when I went to bed, always believed they would be miraculously better in the morning. It was the only way I could cope to be honest.

Well, not any more. My world seems to be crashing around me and I feel powerless to do anything about it. I still have my health, as do my husband and daughter. We're still happy. So you may wonder what on earth can be so badly wrong with my lot.

Firstly, there's the luck thing. Everything ... and I mean everything that my husband and I touch is literally turning to poo. I've never been a lucky person. In a 50/50 situation, things would always go against me. But not to this extent. It's getting ridiculous.

The credit crunch is hitting us hard. I'm not working as I gave up work (temporarily at least) when I had my daughter. So we only have the one wage coming in. That's not as high as it was either, as hubby took a lower paid job last year to avoid the awful stress of his previous workplace. About 4 years ago, we invested in property ... now, you don't need me to tell you what a mess that market's in at the moment. We can't sell the flats as we'd make too much of a loss, even assuming anyone actually wanted to buy them, yet keeping them is pushing up our monthly outgoings to a frightening degree.

We have no family nearby to take care of babysitting duties - meaning i can't get a job even if I wanted to, because school holidays and any unexpected absences wouldn't be covered. Nobody's hiring anyway.

My beloved cat has gone missing. I've had my cats for 11 years and have always been closer to Tara - my daughter is closer to Troy. We haven't seen her for over 48 hours and usually we'd see her every day - even if just to feed her. We've put flyers through our neighbours' doors and on the lamp-posts nearby. My daughter and I have been out at least 6 times just looking for her. No sign. My friend has also been out looking for her. I've put an advert on a website online in the vague hope that someone may find her and post it on there. Our neighbour's daughter came round this afternoon after receiving the flyer, to say she'd seen Tara & Troy fighting outside her house. Everyone knows Tara by her big belly, and the girl was 100% sure it was Tara. But if it was, and she was that close to home, why didn't she come back? I fear the girl must have been mistaken.

Now, my daughter has a rash all over her body. It doesn't seem to itch or bother her, but is scary nonetheless. she has been vaccinated for all the usual childhood diseases, including chickenpox - though I've just read online that the vaccine is only about 70% effective! She starts school on Tuesday so we need to get that checked out tomorrow if it hasn't gone away.

Even my fantasy football team is fast turning into a joke. All my "best" players are picking up injuries and suspensions. I almost feel responsible for their bad fortune.

Every time there's a light at the end of the tunnel, somebody switches it off. Can I have some positive vibes & hugs sent my way please.

I hope this doesn't sound too much like a boring moan. I'm not a moaner by nature and would hate to think I'm turning into a grumpy middle aged woman!!

THE BIG ONE!!

2008-08-05T02:53:00.000-07:00

Normally, I'm such a girl when it comes to my birthday. I just love the attention ... and the presents of course! But this year, it's different. I'm filled with an overwhelming, and probably irrational, fear of turning 40. Which in just 3 days will become reality.

It seems like no more than 10 minutes since I turned 30. Now, that was a birthday which terrified me so much at the time ... more so even than this one. I remember at the age of about 28-29 going off the rails big time. I was desperate to cling on to my youth ... and I felt that 30 was so ... well ... so old!!

What I didn't appreciate whilst in my 30s was that however old I felt, or indeed was, I was never going to be as young again. If that makes sense. So instead of dreading 50 (which obviously I will when the time comes) ... I'm going to try to enjoy my 40s ... well, that's the idea in theory anyway.

But it doesn't stop me from being in a blind panic when I think of the fast approaching milestone. I received my first card with "40" on it today ... and I felt a bit sick to be honest. It doesn't help that I am married to a man 11 years my junior ... so feeling old is a speciality anyway!

I just wish I'd had the foresight to appreciate my 30s ... because they're all but gone now and I'll never get them back.

Back to the grind

2007-10-11T02:07:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone. I'm sorry that I've not been around much lately. There are a couple of reasons for my absence. The first being a total lack of "me" time. I have so many things I'd like to do, but every time I think there's a chance of five minutes to myself, something will happen to take it away! Not that I'm complaining really, it's quite nice to be busy.

The perfume business is still going well ... too well at times ... we're selling in the region of 30 items a week, which is lovely... but very time consuming ... I'm starting to dread the Christmas rush ... as much in case there isn't one as anything to do with the work involved!!

Secondly, my daughter and I have just returned from a week in France visiting my parents. We had a really lovely time. The weather was, on the whole, very kind to us. We managed to go shopping in Limoges twice ... where we had lunch at a delightful Vietnamese buffet restaurant. The food was wonderful ... so much more flavour in the dishes than anything I've tried in England. We visited a small but interesting tourist attraction called Feeriland (Fairyland ... picture is of one of their models) which my daughter loved. One day, it was so warm and sunny, we were able to sit by the deserted lake watching the ducks swimming happily and diving for their fish suppers. I read my book (Matthew Ford's Eating Up Italy ... which is quite brilliant) while my mum entertained my daughter ... who had a sudden reluctance to put her feet down in the water. Last year, she had a wonderful time splashing about in just a nappy. This year, however, there was no persuading her!! Even in her lovely new shiny swimming costume. They came across a tiny play area with a couple of swings and the little one was in her element then.

On Sunday, we visited the nearby town of Chabanais, where there was a harvest festival market. There were some lovely little stalls selling all kinds of crafts, potions and food. The crafts were out of my price range however. Everything was prettily decorated with plump orange pumpkins and other seasonal vegetables ... some of which I didn't recognise, but would've loved to try if I lived over there. I didn't buy anything ... though I'm regretting that slightly now ... as I was tempted by some herb salt, which I could have made good use of in my cooking! My daughter found a little park at the end of the market area, it had swings, slides and other small rides. My Dad had bought some roasted chestnuts from one of the stalls, and we munched them as we watched her enjoying herself. We had a bit of trouble persuading her to leave when we were ready to go home!

During our stay, the main thing my daughter noticed ... as I did ... was how quiet it is over there. We're used to the hustle and bustle of English life and there is no comparison with how peaceful it is in that part of South West France. It was nice to be able to go to a popular tourist attraction and not have to queue or fight our way past hordes of other sightseers. I know it was October, but according to my parents it wouldn't have been much different in high summer.

My Dad is much better now and it's lovely to see him looking so well. He's not yet recovered properly from the bug he picked up in the Hospital though and goes to see a specialist next month.

On the whole, I ate too much, drank too much and spent too much ... but isn't that the point of a holiday?

We missed hubby very much of course. He phoned us every day ... though I think he only actually got to speak to the little one about 3 times as she was usually sleeping off the effects of her day by the time he rang ... normally because she had fallen asleep in the car on the way home from wherever we had been.

Speaking of hubby. He is well into his new job now and seems to be enjoying it so far. On his first proper day, however, he came home miserable and was convinced he had made a mistake by taking the job. But, by the second day, he'd learned more and started to feel more confident. Hopefully, once he has completed the training and gets his own shop, he will enjoy it even more!

My friend Paul is coming to see us later this afternoon. I'm hoping that the weather stays as sunny and calm as it is now so that he can take the little one into the garden. She associates "Uncle Paul" with playing outside ... which is fine by me, as the great outdoors isn't exactly my forte ... well not in my garden anyway.

Thank you for reading. I hope to contribute again soon. Until next time ...

WHITE GIRL AT ONAM

2007-08-31T06:45:00.001-07:00

Where on earth does the time go? I have been desperate to write this blog all week, and have finally managed to find five minutes to do so.

Monday 27th August was the day of Onam Festival. This is an Indian festival, celebrated mainly by the Hindus in the southern Indian state of Kerala. This is the area of India from which my husband's wonderful family hail.

Strangely, this is the first time I've heard of this annual event. I still have no idea why we haven't been involved on any of the previous years as apparently it has always been celebrated within our family.

Originally, this year's festivities were to have been held at my mother in law's ... but as she lives in a tiny one-bedroomed flat, it was deemed an unsuitable venue. Probably for the best, we were there last weekend for my brother-in-law's 21st and it was very much cheek to jowl... and there were only half a dozen of us that night! It was decided that the event would be held in MiL's sister's house instead.

"Auntie A" lives in Upton Park ... just behind West Ham's impressive football stadium to be exact. She has a nice house ... but there are no green spaces or beauty spots in that part of the world. Tower blocks and concrete are the order of the day. I wouldn't imagine one gets much privacy around there either as there are so many houses and so many people everywhere. Of all shapes, sizes and colours. But apparently it's a sought after area and I should imagine her house is probably worth more than mine.

I am told that Onam is a festival very much like our Christmas. We didn't exchange presents ... though my daughter did very well! Back in India, where it is celebrated properly, the rich always ensure enough food is available for the poor so that they don't miss out on any of the festivities.

The mainstay of the day is the food ... but I'll get to that later.

When we arrived, at about 1pm, the house was very quiet. Auntie's husband was the only person around ... apparently the women were upstairs getting dressed and we were the first relatives to arrive. This definitely helped our daughter to settle as she's not good with crowds of people, but if they arrive gradually, she's fine ... and enjoys being the centre of attention. We chatted to Auntie's Hubby for a while then made our way outside to the garden.

It 's the first time I've seen their garden. I didn't even know the house had a garden to be honest! But it does, and it's a surprising little haven. Peaceful and ... while not exactly pretty ... very homely. Rose bushes grow along the fences on either side and there's even a little fish pond. There's no lawn, but, as the sun was shining, we did make good use of the garden table and chairs.

A steady stream of visitors began to arrive. All the usual suspects in fact ... MiL and her husband, youngest Auntie R ... who is younger than me and a reluctant single mother ... Auntie A's children ... well they're not actually children ... J is 22 and married ... her brother A is 16. It was so lovely to see everyone. Auntie R and I have a good friendship and spent a long time chatting about her impending trip to India. She goes on Wednesday (my husband's birthday), and is very nervous about the flight. I totally empathise with her as I'm flying to France in a few weeks with my daughter and am already starting to fret about our journey.

The ladies were each dressed in colourful saris. They looked so beautiful, like sparkling jewels. I was offered a sari once for a family occasion, but decided against it ... much to my mum's relief. One day I would love to wear one, but I'll need to lose a considerable amount of weight first!

So, after an hour or so of idle chatter and laughter in the sunshine, it was time for the "Main Event" ... the food. Now this, is where things became really interesting ... and I am immensely grateful to both my MiL and Auntie A for the incredible patience and helpfulness they showed me. I'd asked hubby if there was anything special I needed to know ... he explained everything ... well, not quite everything!

We ate in "batches" of four at the little dining table in the kitchen.... but we didn't have plates ... oh no! ... we ate off banana leaves ... I'd never even seen a banana leaf before ... they're huge things ... green of course, and along the top edge of each leaf was a tiny row of beautifully coloured pickles and chutneys, including a shocking pink beetroot variety and three different ginger pickles. In the middle was a small pile of plain boiled rice. The whole visual effect resembled an artist's palette. To the rice, a procession of different vegetarian curries, none of which were very spicy was added one by one. They referred to these curries as "bisoms" ... sorry if that's not the correct spelling ... and referred to the pickles and chutneys as curries ... which I found very confusing ... as I did knowing which condiment was to be eaten with which course ... that hadn't been explained properly by hubby. "Oh I should've told you that." became quite a well used phrase during our meal. The pros ate with their hands ... whereas I ... the novice ... was allowed the luxury of a spoon!! One less thing to worry about at least!!

I finished my meal several minutes after everyone else and would have to say that I enjoyed the experience. It was stressful for MiL and Auntie A, as there were 4 sittings altogether and they oversaw them all, like colourful dinner ladies I suppose.

After our meal, it was back outside to the garden, where I chatted to Auntie R and hubby's cousin J again. We had a giggle and I have to say I really enjoyed the whole experience. My daughter, who normally doesn't like food, ate a little bit of the rice and some bisom ... not a lot admittedly ... but it was a start!!

Eventually it was time to leave so we said our farewells, and I took great delight in wishing everyone a "Happy Onam" which I think impressed them because I'd remembered the name! I don't think I'll ever forget it!

We called briefly at father-in-law's and spent a pleasant hour or so with him, his wife and her two children ... again, they're not children ... but then neither are William and Harry and everyone refers to them as "the boys". Luckily, FiL and his brood had already eaten ... I don't think I could've faced another banana leaf!! But he did give us savoury biscuits and fruit juice! I have to wonder where on earth hubby put the chicken burger & chips he bought later that evening!

A (Not Very Exciting) Week in Essex

2007-08-20T04:49:00.000-07:00

It's Monday afternoon. It's grey and dull outside. I've just put my central heating on and I'm feeling miserable.

It hasn't been a particularly exciting week. My daughter and I were out every day for about half an hour delivering leaflets offering free delivery on our fragrances to people in our immediate neighbourhood. So far, we've not even had one enquiry from the 150 houses we delivered to. It's a bit demoralising to be honest, but I suppose there's no guarantee that they've all thrown the leaflets in the bin. Any one of them could call at any time to place an order ... we just need to be patient.

It was my brother-in-law's 21st birthday at the weekend and we made the journey to my mother in law's flat in East London on Saturday night for his party. It wasn't a party in the traditional sense ... there was no music ... in fact we spent the evening watching X-Factor and Who wants to be a millionaire ... but there was FOOD ... lots of it ... when the tuna vol-au-vents and vegetarian "sausage" rolls arrived, I thought that was the meal ... but oh no! The meal ... served after the birthday cake which was a bit weird ... was home-made Indian lamb curry & rice! It was very nice ... though I still haven't got used to the meat pieces having bones in them ... none of us could move after eating all that food. Even my daugher, who doesn't normally eat, enjoyed the tuna from the vol-au-vents ... though she wouldn't eat the onion it was mixed with ... or the pastry it was in!

(This is not a picture of the actual meal we ate - thank goodness!! It looks like a school dinner doesn't it!)

Talking of my daughter, she was the life and soul of the party ... which isn't like her ... she doesn't normally like it when there are lots of people around her ... but I think it helped that everyone arrived in stages. For a while, there was just the two of us as hubby went to see his Dad and MiL was cooking in the kitchen - so she had time to adjust to her surroundings before being overwhelmed by a river of faces. It was lovely to see her so happy ... especially as she spent quite a bit of time with my MiL's husband, who she normally avoids like the plague. Probably the oddest thing of the evening ... other than seeing my oh-so-cool & handsome brother in law blowing out noisy streamers, was the fact that I was the only person in the room drinking alcohol! It felt a little awkward actually ... as if everyone was waiting for me to get drunk ... which meant I actually stayed completely sober, thus ruining the effect!

The subject of my little girl having her ears pierced was raised again ... but quickly dropped when it became obvious that I won't be bullied into doing anything! Don't get me wrong, my MiL, although the instigator of the topic, was not the ringleader, her younger sister, who tends to be a bit opiniated and loud, was the one trying to bully me ... it didn't work and I don't think she was happy ... she'd probably thought I was a pushover as I'm always polite in their company and never say or do anything to upset anyone!!

I was speaking to my mum this morning and was delighted ... and a little surprised ... when she told me she was on the Internet looking at houses in England. When my Dad was ill, it was agreed that they needed to come home to be near me in case anything like that ever happens to either of them again. It would be a total nightmare if they were in France and I was here. They haven't yet put their house on the market as they are still doing some work on it, but it's lovely to know that the intention to come home is still there!!

I was a bit disappointed with my football team this weekend. They played away at Plymouth and were winning 1-0 with very little time left when Plymouth were awarded a penalty which of course they duly scored!! To make matters worse, my favourite player, Fabian Wilnis, was sent off!! Good job I wasn't there, I'm very protective of Fabian and would almost certainly have screamed abuse at the referee ... however justified the decision!!

I've had a few culinary so-sos this week ... hubby didn't really care for my gnocchi with sundried tomatoes & olives ... and the coconut rice which accompanied my Caribbean chicken was sticky and sickly. However, all was redeemed yesterday with my pork vindaloo (recipe courtesy of Gary Rhodes). It took a long time to cook, but was worth it!! Tonight we're having linugine with crabmeat. I'm hoping for another success ... wish me luck!!

Before I go, I just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone for all the kind comments about my leg. It seems to be on the mend now and I'm able to walk without a limp for the first time in almost two weeks. Fingers crossed, it'll be back to normal soon.

Til next time ...

Weekly Catch Up

2007-08-12T05:09:00.000-07:00

(HAS IT REALLY BEEN A WEEK??)

Yippeeeeee!! I know you may not share my excitement, but THE FOOTBALL SEASON IS BACK!!

No, not the boring Premiership ... though that is back too ... the Championship (Division one as it was in the good old days) is the place to be ... though not if we get promoted this season of course!!! Should that happen, then I will of course extol the virtues of the Premier League next season!! Fickle? Nah ... not me!!

There is something very special about the opening day of the season. It's summer ... it's been a long time since we were last here ... and of course this is going to be OUR season!! Ever optimistic us footie fans!

I don't know if it's just me or if every football fan feels like this ... but when the applause and cheering starts just prior to the players coming out on to the pitch, a lump the size of a football forms itself in my throat!! Fighting back the ... probably ridiculous ... tears, I know that at that precise moment, there is nowhere else on earth I would rather be!! I might not still feel this way after 90 minutes ... but it's a lovely feeling while it lasts!

Anyway, the match kicked off ... the fans in full humourous voice ... Gosh I've missed this ... and with just over a minute on the clock ... we were awarded a penalty!! Oh the excitement ... oh the tension ... Alan Lee steps up ... my friend Paul (who sits next to me) looks angry ... I still have no idea why ... Lee shoots ... and he SCORES!!! Yeeeees!! What a start to the new season. Our opponents, Sheffield Wednesday bought a new striker in the close season, Francis Jeffers. We don't like him!! He was on loan at Ipswich at the end of last season and we were convinced he was going to sign for us permanently ... however, greed got the better of him ... and after the clubs involved had agreed a fee ... Mr Jeffers claimed the wages weren't enough and turned Ipswich down flat!! We took great joy in booing him and jeering everything he did throughout the match ... it always adds a bit of excitement when we have our pantomime villain as it were . He was substituted in the second half ... couldn't take the pressure I presume!!

Anyway, I won't bore you with a ball by ball commentary ... though I could quite easily ... we went on to win the match 4-1. Our chants of "We are top of the league" were unfounded however as Coventry and Crystal Palace both won by the same margin and of course, they are above us on alphabetical merit.

****

You may ... or may not ... depending on how exciting your life is ... remember that it was my birthday on Wednesday! Wish I could forget ... it was not a very good day for me!! I had hurt my leg the day before ... it's still quite painful now actually ... my friend Paul had taken my daughter and I to the pub as a kind of premature birthday celebration ... and my daughter was having a great time as she always does playing on the slide and swings. Paul had gone inside to get drinks and I (in my wisdom) decided to sit on the swing with my daughter. So there we were ... merrily swinging away ... when suddenly my leg appeared to give way and we stumbled from the swing ... narrowly avoiding an embarrassing thud to the floor. I was desperately trying to stay upright ... clinging on to my daughter for dear life so that she wouldn't fall or get hit by the still-moving swing which was coming right at us ... somehow, thankfully, disaster was averted. I have no idea what actually happened to my leg ... and I wasn't drunk before you ask ... but it hurt like hell!!

So we were confined to the house on wednesday ... I had planned to take the little one to Southend for the day ... hubby was at work you see ... I had also planned to go to the supermarket for ingredients to cook a special meal for hubby and I ... but no ... it just wasn't to be. We ended up ordering Chinese ... and it wasn't even very nice!!

My Dad turned 70 on Saturday ... of course we're all just so relieved he's still with us. My brother in law will be 21 on friday and Paul is ... not sure how old actually ... 40 something ... next Tuesday. August is a very busy month for us!!

I'm waffling aren't I? I didn't intend to talk this much. Hello ... are you still awake? ... I'm talking to you!!

A MIXED BAG

2007-08-05T15:40:00.000-07:00

Our long awaited stock delivery finally showed up on Friday. It was actually partly our fault that it hadn't arrived sooner. We're still new to all the terms & conditions involved in running a business ... at least that's my excuse!!

Friday afternoon ... and evening ... were spent checking stock against delivery notes, invoices, our own spreadsheets and any other bit of paper we could find with numbers on it! I just have to mention that my 3-year-old daughter was a great help when it came to taking perfume bottles out of boxes and stacking them against the wall!! When I told my husband that, he thought I was being sarcastic, but I mean it seriously, she was really helpful!! She loves to be involved of course, and we had a giggle too!! I wish she could stay 3 forever!

It's been an incredibly busy weekend, with two very late nights (approx 4.30am Friday & Saturday - which is late even by our standards)! We've managed to get most of our stock listed on ebay ... despite their annoying restrictions ... and have done a huge mailshot to all our family & friends.

If anyone would like to see a full price list with details of all the items we currently have in stock, please feel free to email me (details on profile page) and I will send one to you. Alterntatively, please follow the link to our ebay shop.

Some of you may know that my dad was taken ill recently with pneumonia and kidney problems. Whilst he was in Hospital, he caught a bug which he still can't get rid of. My parents are back home in France and seemingly have experienced really good care from the doctors there. A couple of weeks ago, Dad came off the antibiotics at the doctors instigation and seemed to be responding well without them. However, last night, the problem (I won't go into details here) came back again and he is now quite depressed again. My mum has read that some people who become infected with this bug (C-Diffie or something like that) can suffer with it for the rest of their lives. He's going to see his doctor on monday.

My daughter and I are going over to France for a week in October to stay with my parents. I'm already nervous about the flight and I know we will miss hubby very much ... as we did last year when we went over without him ... it just doesn't seem right somehow!!

We had a visit from my mother in law and her husband this afternoon. They came to deliver my birthday present and I feel extremely honoured that she remembered as she readily admits to having a terrible memory for birthdays and regularly forgets even those of her parents and sisters!! Anyway, it was lovely to see them and they bought me a box of delicious chocolates and the most beautiful plant ... a Sundaville ... for our patio which now has pride of place there. I am determined to look after it as supposedly it's low maintenence so I'm not sure how I'd explain to her if I killed it!!

As today was Sunday, it was my cooking day ... I'm actually on a roll at the moment and try to cook something nearly every night ... except Saturday as that's take-away night! Today we had Indian and, though I do say so myself, it turned out really well. Obviously there's extra pressure when I cook Indian due to hubby's background! I was especially pleased with the Pilau Rice as it was tasty and moist - and best of all - easy to make!! Can't remember what I'm supposed to be making tomorrow, I think it might be steak!

I think it must be time for bed ... my eyes are very heavy and my body feels like the batteries have run down so I will say goodnight now. Sweet dreams xx

A Wasted Day!!

2007-08-01T09:21:00.000-07:00

A-aaa-rgh!!! I am so frustrated right now!!

I had so much planned for today. Silly me! I should know better really. The best laid plans and all that!!

I even got up fairly early this morning - just after 10am - and the day stretched deliciously ahead of me then. Oh yes! ... I'd design our promotional leaflet ... wait for the perfume delivery ... which was sure to be here by late afternoon ... then I'd go into town to buy some lovely ingredients for tonight's tea ... followed by my housework ... and I'd still have time to play with my daughter or, like yesterday, watch a film (probably the Wizard of Oz for the 500th time) with her!

So what went wrong I'm sure you're dying to know ... well aren't you? The so**ing delivery didn't turn up that's what! So I wasted my day jumping every time I heard a noise vaguely resembling a delivery van ... vaguely in the direction of my house ... that'll teach me! At least I got the leaflet done so I guess that's progress of sorts. Hubby will probably hate it though! The housework now looms ... I thought I'd be far too busy getting all our lovely new stock listed on ebay to waste any time hoovering the flowers and watering the carpet, or whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing!

It's too late now to go into town as the shops are shut. I can't be bothered to walk round to our local Costcutter's ... and where exactly did all this hot weather come from all of a sudden? I'm not prepared for it. Not at all! The curtains are all closed and the fan is on full blast, but still I feel a horrible trickle down my back! Yuk!

So here I am, tired, fed up and hot ... with no idea what I'm going to cook for hubby's tea tonight!! The evening now stretches not quite so deliciously ahead. The Wizard of Oz is of course still an option ... but it's already been on once today and, much as I love it, I think in my current state of mind, I'd probably end up screaming ... or throwing a brick at the telly!! Then the neighbours would probably come to investigate ... nope ... on second thoughts, I think I'll have a nice glass of wine and put it down to experience instead!!

We have to take our daughter to see the paediatrician tomorrow ... what's the betting the delivery turns up while we're out??? Bound to isn't it?

Mixing Business & Pleasure

2007-07-30T12:27:00.000-07:00

It feels like such a long time since I was able to blog properly. Hubby went back to work today. I can't believe how quickly those 3 weeks went! Poor soul, he hates his job and is desperate to find a new one. Sadly, there isn't even anything positive in the pipeline at the moment. Hopefully something will turn up soon!

We had a lovely time while he was off. The above picture was taken during one of our days out. We went to Tropical Wings which is a local attraction with a huge butterfly house and loads of other animals & birds to see. If ever you do happen to go there, avoid the hot food at the tea room!! I wasn't particularly hungry but hubby was and he chose some kind of pie to eat. I'm not a lover of anything pastry so chose the chicken curry & rice. Big mistake! It had zero taste and smelled like boiled sick!! Hubby tried it however, and couldn't understand why I refused to eat it.

The big news, as many of you already know is that we have started our own business! We've opened our own ebay store, Common Scents UK, selling top brand perfumes at discount prices! Please take a look when you have a minute. (The link is at the top of this page). And please recommend us to your friends!! If you are looking for any popular fragrance which is not displayed in the shop, please ask me and I'll try to get hold of it for you. We haven't yet finished listing products but hope to have them all done by the end of the week.

We went to the theatre in London on friday night to see Grease. I have to say, we both thoroughly enjoyed the show. Both Danny and Susan were very good in their roles and it was a much better adaptation than the last one we saw in the west end about four years or so ago. Hubby said he thought Danny struggled a little with the American accent, but if he did, I didn't notice!

My latest recipe attempts have had mixed results. Yesterday for example, I cooked lemon & paprika chicken taken from a Gary Rhodes cookery book. It was really nice. As part of the same meal, I made spicy bread but that wasn't such a success. It was edible, but I certainly won't be making it again!! The chicken recipe will be posted on my recipe corner soon.

Forgive me if this blog is a bit boring. I'm totally shattered!! I can't remember the last time I was in bed before 3am and it's catching up with me!!

In Loving Memory

2007-07-25T02:19:00.000-07:00

On July 25th 1991, my beloved Grandad died. The circumstances of his death have haunted me ever since.

Everyone loved him. We grandchildren all doted on him - but much to my Grandma's chagrin, he always insisted that I was his favourite. My mum was his youngest daughter and we probably spent more time with my grandparents than any of the other 3 of his children.

During school holidays, they would come to stay for at least a fortnight. And I loved having them around. My Grandad, Norman, was a mischievous soul - always playing pranks. And always up for a laugh. He had a kindness of spirit and a wonderful smile. And he was a big softie too! Especially where animals were concerned. Horses were his favourite. Nobody disliked my Grandad. It just wasn't an option.

I remember the summer of 1991 very clearly. My Grandparents were staying with us. I was planning my (ill fated) wedding, which was to take place the following June. And so it was that on the evening of July 24th, I came home after spending the evening with my fiance. I don't remember the time, but guess it was around midnight. My Grandma and my mum had gone to bed. Grandad sat in "his" armchair chatting about important matters such as football with my Dad. They were very close and I think my dad saw Grandad as a father figure. I clearly recall joining their conversation that night, plonking myself on the arm of Grandad's chair before turning in for the night some time later, leaving them to it and heading happily up to bed.

I've been racking my brains trying to remember the exact time it happened, but alas my memory is rather selective these days.

Suffice to say, it was the early hours of the morning. A sudden thud woke me. It hadn't sounded that loud and I assumed my Grandad had got out of bed to go to the toilet and on his way back to bed, had bumped his leg on the chest of drawers in his room. I was just going back to sleep, when my mum came into my room. "Are you ok?" she asked. "Did you hear that noise too?" I asked, suddenly awake.

It was then that my mum turned on the landing light and shouted loudly for my dad to come. I had no idea what was going on and remember being frightened and getting out of bed to have a look. Grandad lay very still at the bottom of the stairs. I'm not sure what happened next to be honest, but I know the ambulance was called and that my Dad came to see me to explain what was going on. I was grateful for that.

My Dad went with him in the ambulance. Mum, Grandma and I sat in the living room, each lost in our own thoughts and not saying a word. We were all dazed. Numb. I expected to wake up from the nightmare at any time and to see him walk through the door telling us it had all been a joke and ha ha, we'd fallen for it!! But that didn't happen. My Dad rang from the hospital, and broke the news to my mum that her dad had died. My mum then drove the ten miles or so to the hospital.

I will always remember my mum's words when, after speaking to my Dad, she came to break the news to Grandma and I. She said simply, "He's gone, mam."

Of course, we cried. It was surreal. I remember phoning my fiance to tell him the sad news. He told me that God obviously had an important job for my Grandad to do and had taken him away to do it. I still think that was a lovely thing to say.

He had indeed got up to go to the toilet, but must have been struggling to find his bedroom when he stumbled backwards and fell down the stairs, hitting his head on the dining room floor. We all felt responsible. Guilty. I know now that it was a tragic accident, but at the time we dissected our every move and came to the conclusion that we had somehow caused his death by our actions. Whatever they were, I don't recall now.

Everyone came to our house that day. Uncles, Aunties, cousins. None of them lived near us, but all wanted to be there. It was awful. Every time someone else arrived, we cried and hugged, and cried some more. Although it was nice to have the support around us, it was an emotionally draining day. The following day, my fiance took me to work with him and I sat upstairs in the little empty flat above the bakery where he worked. I clearly remember watching cricket on the telly, even though I had no idea or interest in what I was seeing.

My Grandad was 81 - and yes, I know he'd had a "good innings" as they say. But he was as strong as an ox and very very healthy. In fact, other than a brief stay in hospital some years earlier for hernia operation, I had never known him to be ill. We all thought he would live forever. My cousin summed it up when, on the day of the funeral, he said, "Even he couldn't get out of this one."

Sixteen years on. Time has erased some of the details and to be fair, some of the pain. My memories, however, remain strong and intact. I'll never forget the day we sat in a pub on Christmas day and my Grandad burst some of the balloons above our table - just for pure devilment. Or the time he broke a vase in MFI when he was messing about with it.

I have every intention of telling my daughter all about her great-Grandad when she's old enough to understand, because in my heart he didn't die. I was 21 when he passed away and I know he didn't really like my future husband (not many people did as it happened, but that's a different story.) He would therefore be delighted and proud if he could only meet my current husband and beautiful little girl.

If you are enjoying a glass of wine (or even water) today, please raise your glass in a toast to Norman. My Grandad. My friend. Still sadly missed after all these years.

The Danger of Meeting A Stranger!

2007-07-22T04:07:00.000-07:00

Firstly, I would like to say a huge thank you to everyone who expressed concern for my husband's sore eye. He was very touched when I told him of your concern. He went to the doctors on thursday as the pain was by then so bad he couldn't bear it any longer. The doctor prescribed eye drops which I've had great fun administering every two hours! It's much better now - almost back to normal in fact. Hopefully we might even get to go out this week. Weather permitting.

Last night, I went to see Keane in the new 02 venue in London. As you may already be aware, the 02 is the building which used to be known as The Millennium Dome (or white elephant if you prefer). I don't know if any of you visited it when it was the dome? I went with my mum and we were less than impressed. The good news is that as a venue for music concerts, it's much better. Full of bars and eating places, it's my kind of place! My husband would've loved it!

We were in for a shock when we took our seats however, as we were a long long way back! Not so bad in itself - no worse than our view when we went to see Dolly Parton at Wembley earlier in the year in fact. But there were no large screens here as there are at Wembley. All we could see were little singing ants on the stage! It was disappointing, but worse was to come... in the form of a drunk bloke directly in front of me who insisted on getting to his feet about every five minutes and jigging about in a drunken fashion! The man next to me asked him to sit down a couple of times, but more or less gave up after that! It wasnt' that he was rude, far from it in fact. He was just very very drunk! I felt sorry for his mate as the drunken one kept grabbing him and hugging him - which apart from being embarrassing, probably wasn't too comfortable either!

Never mind, we still had a good time. Keane were excellent and the white wine wasn't too bad either!

Something else of interest (to me anyway) happened last night. Before the concert. It was raining when we reached London and my friend kindly dropped me at West Ham station while he went to find a parking space. I'd bought our tube tickets, and was waiting patiently by the turnstiles minding my own business ... when I got chatted up! Little old me! It's been a long time since that happened to me. He was no oil painting you understand, but it felt good nonetheless! "Are you waiting for me?" he asked with a huge smile.
"No, sorry." I laughed in reply. I told him I was waiting for my husband (it was just easier that way) and he left after a couple of minutes ... but then he came back!

He was wearing a West Ham shirt and given my love of football, and for want of something to talk to him about, I said, "West Ham were lucky - they got away with it didn't they?" Referring, for anyone who doesn't know, to the recent scandal in which West Ham were taken to court by Sheffield United after fielding an illegible player for much of the season. Sheffield United were relegated you see, but believed that West Ham should've gone down instead! Still with me?? Anyway, suddenly at the mention of this, "Chatter-Upper" changed from a friendly, jovial soul into a snarling, swearing monster! He launched a tirade of four letter words (not directly at me - more at Alex Ferguson, who for some reason, he held responsible for the whole debacle and who,strangely, he referred to throughout as "She.")

I thought he was going to kill me at one point!! Hmm, I think the moral of this story is not to mention football to a stranger unless you've seen a certificate or at least spoken to a doctor about their current mental state! Luckily, my friend turned up and off we went. Phew!

Being Sunday, I am going to cook today. I'm trying Italian again - today's experiment is "Beef Calzone" - the recipe will be on Recipe Corner as soon as I can get it typed up! My worry is that after the success of my lasagne earlier this week, the calzone may not turn out as good! As a cook, you're only as good as your last meal - well in this house anyway!! All Indian women cook every day you see ... huge meals which take hours to make ... even if they've been at work all day - s*d that - that's what take aways were invented for!!

Fish Eyes and Food

2007-07-19T03:25:00.001-07:00

I'm getting quite worried about Hubby's eye! It's still very swollen and he's in a fair bit of pain with it. We tried to get an appointment with our doctor this morning but of course we rang too late and they didn't have anything. However, they said to ring back this afternoon as they may have had a cancellation by then. I've told hubby that if he still can't get an appointment, he should go to casualty. He's had the problem several times before - but usually it's the other eye - and it doesn't last so long! The doctors have told him it's something to do with fluid build-up in the eyelid and that if all else (antibiotics I guess) fails, he will need an operation!

Obviously this means another day at home. I know hubby is even more disappointed than me as this is the second week of his summer holiday and I think he was hoping for a relaxing week at home next week rather than ferrying daughter and I around here, there & everywhere! The weather forecast for tomorrow is awful and to be honest, it doesn't look too promising out there today either!

On a brighter note, I cooked lasagne for the first time last night. I thought it would be complicated and I expected it to taste like the cardboard microwaved fayre of pub lunches and take-away pizza places - but it was delicious! I was totally surprised by how easy it was to make and how good it looked! It wasn't even expensive to cook, but it was the taste which impressed me the most ... especially the cheese sauce! Hubby loved it and even went back for seconds (which is no mean feat given how much was on his plate in the first place!)If anyone is interested, the recipe is on my recipe corner.

Does anyone know anything about fish? Of the tropical variety? We went out last week and bought some new ones to replace our old ones who had sadly died. So there we were all smiley and cheery as we picked out "two of these" and "two of those" ooh and "definitely one of those" whilst also trying to make sure that daughter didn't fall head first into the indoor koi carp pond - a real possibility as she ran the length of the shop thinking it was so much fun - especially with mummy running after her!

Anyway, we brought our beautiful, shiny fishes home and excitedly set them free to explore the newly cleaned tank. All seemed well for the first couple of days, but suddenly they appear to be dying! Yesterday, a couple (including one of the two gorgeous, elegant Angelfish) died suddenly with no indication that they were even unwell. We're resigned now to losing them all and while I'm sad at the tragic loss of life, hubby is sad at what he sees as the equally tragic loss of money! They cost nearly £50.
Can anyone tell us where we're going wrong?

Happy Beginning

2007-07-18T01:58:00.000-07:00

Well, I start off today with some wonderful news. Some of you may remember a recent dilemma I had after I had contacted my long lost Auntie while my dad was in hospital.

It appeared too much water had gone under the bridge and that my Dad wasn't going to make contact with her when he came out of hospital! But he did! He rang her last night out of the blue. He was supposed to be calling a friend, but when the friend was out, Dad came across his sister's number in their address book and rang her instead!!

Apparently the conversation started something like this:

Auntie: Hello
Dad: Bet you don't know who this is!
Auntie: No I don't, but you sound nice.
Dad: Bet you say that to all the boys.

That broke the ice! Dad has invited her over to stay in France, but he found out that she has been in poor health recently having suffered a heart attack, cancer and also having a kidney removed! It struck me that it's a miracle she's still alive after going through all that and that fate has had a hand in their reunion!

It's been over 25 years since they fell out - noboby seems to remember now what the argument was about, but I hope they can truly put it behind them and have a relationship at last!

My auntie called me straight after she had spoken to my dad as she wanted me to know that he had rung her. She was so excited and had been trying to contact her middle son as he was as keen as me to get them talking and had apparently nagged her several times over the years! He was out, so she phoned me. I think she just wanted to talk to someone who would be as pleased as she was!

Five minutes after I put the phone down, my Dad called me. "Guess who I've just been talking to." He said, sounding more than a little excited himself. Oh s***! What do I say now? I took a deep breath and feeling awful for bursting his bubble, I told him I already knew! He did sound a little deflated, but it was agreed that he wouldn't have wanted me to lie! He was surprised she had called me, but I think he was pleased when I told him how happy she had sounded! My Dad thanked me for getting the ball rolling, and I was delighted that my attempts to get them talking had worked!

***

We were supposed to be going out today! We were going to go to the beach at Clacton! But hubby isn't well. He sometimes gets this problem with his eyes where the lids swell up and according to the doctor, if it keeps happening, he may need to have an operation! Anyway, his eyelid is swollen to about twice its normal size, so no beach trip for us today!

It might be a blessing in disguise as the weather doesn't look too good at the moment.

Legoland

2007-07-16T16:23:00.000-07:00

It's so nice having hubby at home. Even if it does mean I can't shirk the housework as much as I normally would!

The weather hasn't been great, but we were lucky enough to have a hot, sunny day on saturday when we went to Legoland in Windsor. We wouldn't normally be so foolish as to visit a tourist attraction on the hottest day of the year - especially if it's a weekend, but today was the only day Pingu, Barney, Bob the builder and Sportacus from Lazytown were appearing and we'd promised our 3-year-old daughter ...

If we learned anything from the day, it was to never make promises!! The whole experience was a nightmare from beginning (we were stuck in horrendous traffic on the M25 for over an hour) to end (frazzled, hot and downright miserable we couldn't wait to get out of there).

I don't know if any of you have been to Legoland, but it's actually a really cool place to visit so long as you avoid weekends and school holidays. As with any major tourist attraction, food and drink is expensive. As is the admission price. But it's well planned and has loads to do and see - for everyone - but on a hot saturday in July, the queues were so bad, we couldn't even think of using the toilet or buying a cold drink. Every step we took had to be planned with careful precision lest we obliterate a handful of screaming kids or become seperated from each other.

My husband and I had a slight disagreement over the fact that I shouted at someone else's kid. Apparently, that is wrong and I shouldn't have done it, but I maintain that as the boy in question's parents weren't around and I had a genuine fear for my own daughter's wellbeing, I would do exactly the same thing again in that situation!

Basically, my daughter had climbed to the top of one of the slides in the park, and panicked about getting back down. She was too frightened to use the conventional method (slide down) and spent a good few minutes looking quite terror-stricken at the top of the slide, which was a small space and by now crowded with children (most of whom were bigger and older than her) who had climbed up after her and couldn't get past her to go down the slide. Not knowing of an alterntative route, my husband told her to come back down the steps, which she had just started to do when a much older boy started to climb up them, thus adding to her fear!!

"Hold on a minute." I told him. He ignored me, so I repeated the same words again, but a little more forcefully. He looked at me like I was mad and carried on climbing.

We managed to rescue our little one over the top of the rail on the steps as she was by then far enough down for us to reach her!

Anyway, drama aside, we had a plan for the route we would take on our Legoland adventure! We decided that the best way to tackle it on such a busy day was to look around the park itself first, then make our way to the arena where our daughter could enjoy the show!

Pah! The "arena" was actually a small stage in a field with no seating or facilities to speak of - one drinks kiosk - and about 200 people already seated on the grass at the front as near to the stage as possible. Gamely, we took our place at the back and bobbed our heads between those of the people in front to see if we could get a better view of Pingu who was doing some (boring) aerobics show on the stage - we couldn't - so we left!! I have no idea if Barney, Bob or Sportacus were any good as we were half way home before they even came on to the stage! We told our daughter that they hadn't been able to make it, and so far she hasn't asked about them again! Phew!

Last year, we visited Legoland in September on a weekday and had a truly wonderful time. We were able to take our daughter on any rides she fancied without even having to queue and we could eat or drink whenever the fancy took us. That day, I remember leaving with a pang of regret, but a strong belief that we would return next year and how much better it would be for our little girl as she'd be a year older!

This year, I left with an overwhelming feeling that we wouldn't be back at Legoland for a long long time!!

The Circus

2007-07-13T05:15:00.001-07:00

I had fond memories of my four year old self being taken to the circus with my mum & dad. What a great time we had as we oohed and aahed at the performing animals, death defying trapeze artists and tightrope walkers and laughed aloud at the hilarious red-nosed & big haired clowns.

How sad then to find that as an adult, it's not like that at all.

I only discovered on the short journey to the "Great British Circus" that my husband had never been to a circus before (how could I not know that after 6 years of marriage I wonder). My daughter was naturally excited after hearing my nostalgic, rose-tinted tales. I was like a kid again myself, looking forward to the whole event but especially anticipating the reactions of hubby & daughter! Hmm, was I disappointed!! On all counts!!

Firstly, we parked the car in an overgrown field doubling as the circus car park and made our way carefully through the long grass and animal poo (me wearing rather unpractical flipflops on my feet) to the Big Top. On first glance, it appeared that the Great British Circus should be renamed The Great Eastern European Circus! The ticket sellers, programme sellers, fast food sellers and everyone else bar the audience, was indeed from that part of the world!

Anyway, enough waffling and on with the show. I should explain that there are two shows every day, one at 5pm and the second at 7.30pm. We had opted for the earlier performance, and it soon became obvious that they were on a tight schedule to ensure they didn't over-run. At first, daughter sat rigidly in her seat, seemingly overwhelmed by the succession of not-terribly-interesting acts. However, as time wore on, it became obvious she was actually tired and bored! How can a child be bored on her first trip to the circus?? We had good seats, just one row from the front and as the seat directly in front of her was empty, I knew it wasn't that she couldn't see the "action".

Then came the interval. Not before time I can tell you. Hubby went to the burger bar for some food and I was surprised ... no ... shocked, when my daughter who never tries anything new, announced that she wanted to go on one of the pony rides which were taking place in the ring. I kept asking her, " are you sure, you know I can't come with you?" Her reply every time was a resounding "yes" so we made our way to the queue and were greeted by an old man in a shiny red coat with a forced pleasant manner and an obvious eye on his watch. "Does she want to go on the pony?" he asked. "well, she says she does, but I'll believe it when I see it." I replied with an embarrassed smile. He ignored me and held out a hand to my daughter, who as I'd expected recoiled in horror! Another man tried to persuade her, but red-coat was eager to dismiss us as evil time wasters. Shamefaced, we made our way back to our seats and feasted on a handful of dry, tasteless chips as we awaited the second half of the show!!

By this time, my daughter was slightly more enthusiastic and awake! Lucky then, that the tigers were the first act of the second half. She enjoyed that as it was what she had been waiting for. Ladies twirling hoola hoops and half-hearted dancing girls didn't do it for her, but performing tigers were real entertainment! Sadly, when they left, so did her good humour and patience. We spent the remaining 20 minutes or so trying to calm her down and reassuring her that there would be more animals. A couple of dancing dogs came on, but they failed to lift her mood and we more or less gave up trying. The clown, who made short appearances throughout the show failed to raise a smile from her - but then he wasn't funny so it wasn't too surprising I suppose!! He didn't even have a red nose or big hair for goodness sake!! The final act was clever, and had hubby and I puzzled as a man and a woman managed to change the outfits they were wearing several times without us having any idea how they did it!!

Finally, as the show ended, the audience were invited to take a walk outside to visit the animals. Again we found ourselves in a smelly field with long grass and sneaky little thistles hiding within seemingly waiting for their next flip-flopped victim to arrive so they could bite her ankles! The animals were all tired / drugged and the circus personnel dotted about were so miserable and bored, it was painful to watch them!

We reached the car and I asked hubby "well, what did you think?" I was surprised by how much it meant to me that he should've enjoyed the circus. "It was ok." he managed. I came to the conclusion, that had this been my very first visit to a circus, I would've wondered what all the fuss was about. It's funny how as a child it all seemed so romantic and exciting, but as an adult it loses it's magic. The jokes are staged and rehearsed to within an inch of their lives and it's all so unoriginal. Like so many things these days, it seems the circus is a business rather than an entertainment and that's a great shame!

As we pulled out of the field / car park, we were greeted by about 4 placard-bearing animal rights protesters. I'm not sure I understand what they are trying to achieve by standing on the roadside, but I do have sympathy with their cause!

I still don't know if my daughter enjoyed herself. She fell asleep within minutes of leaving the circus and didn't wake again for several hours. I've asked her this morning and though she says the did have a nice time, I'm not convinced it's the truth!!

Will we go again next year? Of course we will!!

Here goes

2007-07-07T15:45:00.000-07:00

Thank you to Inthemud for tagging me - I feel so warm and fuzzy now (and it's not just because of the wine). I was always last to be picked for sports and stuff at school - I was such a shy little thing then!!

Anyway, I really must do my homework now - I never bothered at school, probalby my way of rebelling or something. I have several things on which to draw should I ever feel down:

1) My husband & my beautiful daughter. I thank God for them every single day. I dread to think where I would be without either of them and whenever I'm feeling a little low, a smile or cuddle from either of them can pick me up and make me wonder how I dared to be down in the first place while they are in my life!!

2) Music - I have over 4,000 CDs and I never tire of buying more!! If I'm particularly down, I buy a new CD. However, if it's a passing gloomy phase, just listening to one of those already in my collection should suffice. I have music for every mood and certain songs which can immediately lift my mood. I absolutely dread the day when CDs are no longer available, because downloads, though practical and immediate are just not the same as clutching a little square box in my sweaty little palms - am I verging on weird yet??

3) My football team! Now I'm sure many of you are thinking this is a tinsy bit weird, but I absolutely love football - no, that's no longer strictly true as money has ruined a lot of it!! I know this is controversial. but I hate the premiership with a vengeance because it's no longer what it was!! My team, Ipswich Town, are in the Championship (if you think that's a stupid name for a league, I totally agree with you) and though they didn't do very well last season, they are usually one of the top teams in their league! For anyone who thinks I'm mad now, I must try to explain how it feels to "belong" to something in this way. I know that under normal circumstances, if I were to meet some of the fans in a pub or in the street, we'd have absolutely nothing in common and most likely we wouldn't spit on each other should we be suddenly engulfed in flames - however, for that 90 minutes on a saturday afternoon (or whatever day Sky decree fit) we're the best of friends. A totally united bunch of people who though they only have one thing in common, would die for each other!! Possibly a bit strong, but nevertheless a fantastic feeling. Sometimes the actual football is good too! Sometimes we even win!!!

4) Alcohol - a glass or two of wine can work wonders for my confidence, which is my biggest bugbear in life if truth be told. Wherever possible, I avoid people, situations and most definitely these days, mirrors!! After a few glasses of wine (vodka works well too) I, like an awful lot of people, lose my inhibitions and become something close to the woman I've always wanted to be! I'm almost Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman but not quite.

5) My mum - sometimes, we're not quite on the same wavelength, but she's still the person I'd go to with any trials and tribulations I may have. It hasn't always been the case - I think I've been something of a disappointment to her on more than one occassion, but we went through such an awful time together when my Dad was so ill recently, that our closeness has been restored. I wish she would move back to England, as I'm an only child with no relatives close by, and I miss her, but I'm not going to push it.

Thanks again to Inthemud for tagging me - I hope I haven't been too boring!!

Did He Do The Right Thing

2007-07-06T10:08:00.000-07:00

My husband hates his job and is desperate to get a new one. When he first took the job, he was given to understand that although it would be a permanent late shift, his hours would be 2pm - 10 pm. However, on the day he started, they got rid of the nightshift (with no warning to the staff involved) which immediately increased Hubby's responsibilities as there would be no handover at the end of his shift. The morning shift begins at 6am I believe.

Anyway, this was bad enough and hubby never left work before 11pm. The company do not pay overtime nor do they give time off for any extra hours accrued. Over the next few months, a new computer system was installed which again increased his responsibilities and these days he rarely leaves before midnight. For a short while, he was allowed an earlier finish on a friday to use up some of the extra hours he'd done, but that was cancelled when his superviser, the only other person who knew how to lock up the building at night, left. He now gets to go in later one day in the week but that's not much help to him!! He can't relax as the constant thought of going to work is hanging over him and when he gets there, everyone has left all the problems which have arisen during his absence, on his desk - hence making it even later when he finishes work!! It also takes him 45 minutes to an hour to drive each way to work and back.

Anyway, he's actively seeking work and today was offered a job with a big retail company. It was daytime hours. He would have to give up his saturdays and in the near future probaby his sundays too. The salary was considerably lower than his current one and sick pay is only offered after 2 years employment. They don't pay for overtime either and the travelling is roughly the same distance. He turned the job down when they told him the conditions. I think he did the right thing. It would be so nice if he could get work nearer to home and with better hours! It's proving to be much more difficult than we originally thought!!

Thank you to everyone who expressed concern for my daughter's health when she was ill yesterday. I'm pleased to announce that she has made a full and fast recovery. In fact if I hadn't seen it myself, I wouldn't believe she had been ill!!

A Little Plea

2007-07-02T06:36:00.000-07:00

It doesn't bear thinking about the devastation which would have been caused had all, or indeed any, of the three intended terrorist bombs exploded in the last few days.

These are indeed frightening times and I know that I speak for every parent when I say we're all more scared of what the future will hold for our children than for ourselves.

In the coming days, weeks and possibly even months we will no doubt live in varying degrees of fear. What will happen? When will it happen? Will it affect us personally? For my husband however, and probably for the vast majority of innocent Asians living here in Britain they also have the added fear of repercussions from the ignorant among our society.

Tensions are running high and unfortunately, it's natural, indeed prudent, to be suspicious. I have sat on London tube trains in the past - especially in the aftermath of 7/7 - my imagination working itself into a frenzy as I watch the young Asian man sat across from me take a mobile phone from his pocket just as we're about to pull into a station.

My husband is a Hindu - but of course it isn't possible to know that just from looking at him. He's a also a respectabe family man with a good job - but so were the terrorists! I feel for him and the thousands, possibly even millions, like him - whether they are hindus, muslims, sikhs or another religion entirely. I urge everyone to try and see these men (and indeeed ladies) as innocents who have even more to fear at this time than the rest of us.

Countdown To Skinniness

2007-06-26T08:02:00.000-07:00

I'm really pleased that so many of you have decided to join me on my weight loss crusade. I wish you all the best of luck and hope you'll keep me posted on your progress.

My first day of deprivation went ok really. I think the first few days usually do. Somehow at the beginning the incentive is greater and every cake refused is a potential 2 pounds lost!

I am hopeful that hubby is going to join me on the diet, but won't hold my breath. He actually started one about a month ago and was doing really well but his best efforts, just like my own previously, were scuppered by my mum and dad.

They have both lost weight themselves, so you would think they'd understand the need for complete abstinence of all things sugary, fatty and tasty while we're trying our best to become shadows of our former selves. No such luck! Every day my Dad innocently asked hubby "bacon sandwich for breakfast?"

Our collective willpower is weak at the best of times, but faced with constant temptations like this, not to mention the bags of sweets and bottles of wine they insisted on bringing in almost every day, it's not surprising that our resolve crumbled. In fact, mine only lasted a day or so that time, whereas hubby struggled on for about a week.

My previous attempts have been largely more successful, but sooner or later the "need" for a pizza or jam doughnut kicks in. Nothing too wrong with having either occasionally I know, but once I've developed a taste for them, I will move heaven and earth (or at least my large bulk) to have them again. Obviously, that will be the end of the diet and the start of comfort-eating to absolve my guilt for being so weak and useless! Before I know it, all the weight I'd lost has been regained and consequently I eat more as it no longer matters!! Why oh why couldn't we all have been made the same size?

Almost four years ago, I attempted my very first Weight Watchers diet and I did really really well. My cousin was getting married in the September and as it had been a few years since I'd seen her and other members of the family. I desperately wanted to be the skinny person they all remembered. The dress I wore for her wedding was a size 10 and I was very proud of myself.

However, about a month or so after the wedding, all my good work was undone when I realised I was pregnant. I think my logic at the time was that I was going to put on weight anyway so I might as well be eating what I enjoyed. I put on 3 stone during my pregnancy and I've been trying (half-heartedly if I'm honest) to lose it ever since.

When I was younger -much younger - I was as skinny as a cocktail stick and naively, believed I always would be. I didn't notice the extra pounds at first because I never got weighed - in fact, there were no scales in the house - didn't need them as my weight never fluctuated! How wrong I was. Suddenly, and it really did seem sudden - almost overnight - I was fat! I don't remember being plump or even slightly overweight, just went right from too skinny to too fat!

My parents have gone home now so there's no excuse. I'm going to stick to this diet because so many people know I'm on it and I do need to lose some weight. My initial target is to be 1 stone lighter by 25th July. Wish me luck - I fear I may need it!!

Lazy Town Sunday Afternoon

2007-06-24T04:42:00.000-07:00

I've just switched my central heating on! Is that what they mean by global warming? I can't believe how nasty the weather is, though I know we have been luckier than some of you.

My mum called from France this morning. The weather is glorious there apparently. My dad was sitting on a deckchair soaking up the sun. I have an overwhelming urge to stamp my foot and shout "it's not fair" at the top of my voice, but I suppose I'd better not in case it upsets my neighbours!

What have I got planned for the rest of the day? Not much I can tell you! My daughter is happily engrossed in the latest episode of Lazytown and my husband is still in bed!

There are probably millions of things I should be doing, but I can't (or don't want to) remember what they are so I'm just going to do whatever I feel like while everyone is otherwise occupied. I'm currently listening to Steve Brookstein's latest album, which is actually very good - he has a lovely voice. Obviously I have my headphones on as I don't want to drown out Sportacus and co.

Hubby will no doubt surface soon and I'll spring (ha, that's a laugh!) into action. I'm cooking today, which sounded like such a good idea at the time, but I'm a bit nervous now. I enjoy cooking but always seem to choose the most complicated recipes -mainly because we love spicy food, and I so enjoy adding all the different herbs & spices to my dishes! If I'm still alive tomorrow, I'll let you know how it all turns out!

Lazytown has just finished and the little one wants to watch Noddy now, so I'm needed for remote control duty!!

Summer Holidays

2007-06-22T13:16:00.000-07:00

Does anyone have any idea if or when summer is due to start? Obviously it won't be in the next two weeks as everyone knows it always rains for the whole of the Wimbledon fortnight!

As I stand at the window in my dining room, watching the raindrops splosh on to my daughter's little trampoline, I realise that I would give my right arm (and my left one too actually if it would help) to go on holiday.

The last holiday I had was in 2003 when we went to Florida. We had a wonderful time, and did all the things you're supposed to: Went to Magic Kingdom, Epcot, Animal Kingdom, got caught in a couple of torrential downpours, sat in our hotel room watching telly as it was too wet to go out etc. We even went to teh cinema to watch Finding Nemo (before it was released over here). Wow, we know how to live!

It was my second trip to Florida, my first being in 1997 (was it really that long ago). That time, I went with my then-boyfriend and we argued more or less constantly. I don't remember what the arguments were about, but I know they were petty! We hadn't been together very long, and weren't together much longer afterwards either as I moved down to Essex about a month or so later and luckily he stayed in Cumbria. We kept in touch for a while and he even came to visit once. I wonder what he's doing now!

Anyway, I digress. What was I talking about? Oh yes, holidays. In 2002, hubby had a big win on the horses (one of those place-pots or whatever they're called!). We decided to use the winnings to have a conservatory built and to go on the holiday of a lifetime - and that's exactly what we did. I had always wanted to go to Australia so, after mistakenly booking two weeks in Sydney in what was their winter (still warmer than our spring), we changed the booking to Darwin instead with stopovers on both the outgoing and return flights at Singapore.

Darwin is beautiful. They have a tropical climate there all year round, and although I was worried about it not being that popular with tourists, there was plenty to see and do there. It was fascinating to sit in the town square at night, watching the aborigines who walked the streets barefoot and came across at first as a little scary. We went on a fantastic boat trip and saw crocodiles, eagles and loads of other creatures with a guide who was just like our own Steve Irwin.

Singapore is something else. I would recommend it highly to just about anyone. The people, shops, hotels, tourist attractions and basically just their way of life, are fantastic. It's a very small island, though the population is growing and more tower blocks are constantly being built to accomodate them.

We stayed in different hotels on both stays. The best by far was the one we stayed in on our outward journey as it was in the heart of the tourist district and had direct access to a wonderful shopping mall (which had an excellent CD shop by the way). Unfortunately, on the way back, our hotel was situated in the business district and although there were things to do, the area was mainly frequented by locals and it was more difficult to find our way around.

My husband has three weeks off in July, and has tentatively mentioned that we might go away for a few days. It won't be abroad though, probably just to Brighton or Yarmouth. That's good enough for me. It's all I can do to stop myself visiting the travel agent or searching for good deals on the web. Somehow I don't think he'd be impressed if I did that before he's confirmed if we can go!!

To My Husband

2007-06-17T09:12:00.000-07:00

I've just finished wrapping my husband's anniversary present, and decided I should write a little blog about our life together and the events leading up to our wedding.

We met at work in 1999 (neither of us work there now) and though it sounds corny, we hit it off straight away (despite our obvious differences - colour and age). Although we were just friends at first (I couldn't believe this 20-year-old would want to go out with 31-year-old me!)we became a couple about 2 weeks before the millenium. Unfortunately, we didn't get to spend it together though as I went to Newcastle with my parents, while hubby stayed at home with his family! I couldn't ring him at midnight as it was impossible to get a signal, but I got through first thing the next morning!!

My husband is a lovely person (just ask anyone who knows him). Because he was worried about the reaction we would get from his parents, he didn't tell them about me. I was renting a flat in Ilford at the time, so we had somewhere to go, but it was weird having to do everything secretly, especially as his grandma in India was trying to marry him off to some local girl at the time! Luckily he resisted!

We were engaged on Valentine's Day 2000 - just two months after we met, but it was a very quiet engagement. Obvioulsy, his parents didn't know I existed so we couldn't tell them about it. My parents were sceptical, not only because of the cultural differences, but also because I was always telling them I'd met someone or other, and he was great and we were going to get engaged etc etc. They hadn't met hubby and didn't believe I'd finally found my soulmate!!

In February 2001, we bought our first house in Ilford. It was time to be introduced to my future inlaws. To say I was nervous, would be a huge understatement. I'm not quite sure what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn't what I got!! Hubby's Dad wore his best suit to meet me and he was probably more nervous than I was. His mum giggled a lot and was lovely and my future brother in law was a shy boy of 14 with a cheeky smile. It was such a relief, but I often tease my husband about his reluctance to tell them all earlier!!

Our wedding took place on 19th June 2001 at a lovely little registry office in Gretna. My parents were living in Cumbria at the time, so it worked out quite well. The wedding was a small affair - and I mean SMALL!! There was me, my husband, his parents, his brother and my own parents! But it was wonderful! So much better than the big white wedding I'd had the first time around!!

Our anniversary on tuesday will be a very quiet day and tinged with sadness. My parents are due to go home that morning and I'm really going to miss them after all this time! My husband works a permanent late shift and rarely arrives home before 1am these days, but on tuesday he has a job interview in the morning so will be away all day as he'll go straight to work from there!! Guess I'll just have to open a bottle of wine and drink it myself!

I hope the next six years are as happy as the last six. After a few wrong turns along the way, I've found the man I'd spent my life searching for and I couldn't be happier about it!! So there!

Introducing ... Me!

2007-06-14T12:41:00.000-07:00

I suppose I set myself up for this, in fact I was desperate to contribute! But then it dawned on me - I'm really not as interesting as I obviously thought I was. Never mind, I will carry on regardless and see what happens!!

8 "Interesting" facts about me.

1) When I married my husband in June 2001, I'm sure a lot of people thought it wouldn't last. Not only is he eleven years younger than me (!) - he is also from a totally different cultural background - he's Asian and I'm white. However, almost six years on, we remain nauseatingly happy together!! I've also said on numerous occasions to anyone who'll listen, if I could have gone out and chosen my in-laws, I couldn't have chosen any better than the ones I have!
Incidentally, my first marriage, to a white man a year older than me, ended after less than a year! Possibly not his fault, but I wasn't happy and moved on!

2) I suffered from pre-eclampsia prior to giving birth to my daughter in 2004. Although I don't remember too much about it, I'm told that the night before she was born, I almost died. My mum was with me, and the whole episode still gives her nightmares! Baby was 4 weeks early, so needless to say we were not prepared! We were actually in the very late stages of moving house, meaning my husband couldn't be with me as much as we would have liked. My parents were also selling their house in Lincolnshire - they were soon to be moving to France - so my dad was unable to come to see us. He didn't meet his grand-daughter until she was about a month old! I came out of hospital on the same day that we picked up the keys to our new home, which was good in one way - we all moved in together, but bad in another - there were boxes and chaos everywhere!!

3) I think there's something of a gypsy in me (or in my family) as this is the 20th house I've called home in my lifetime! I've always lived in England, was born in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne, moved to Cumbria when I was one-year-old, then down to Essex when I was eleven. I loved it there, but my parents returned to Cumbria in 1989 and I followed them the next year (big mistake). Somehow I stayed there for seven years, before finally returning South, where after staying with a friend for a few months, I rented flats in Plumstead, Plaistow and Ilford. I was living in the Ilford flat when I met my husband (the flat was nice, but the landlady was a bit weird). We bought our first home in Ilford in 2001 (good timing), then moved out to a more rural location (still in Essex) in 2004, which is where we are now!!

3) I have never passed my driving test. When I turned 17, I did what everyone else does, I started to take lessons and even took two tests. I hated driving and gave up for about 5 years. Then after our move to Cumbria, I started taking lessons with the same instructor that taught my mum about 20 years before. She had loved him - I hated him! He was impatient, grumpy and very old (so it seemed at the time anyway)!! I took another test in 1991, failed that, and haven't been behind the wheel since. To be honest, it hasn't bothered me at all over the years, but I admit that it may be beneficial to learn at some point so I can be a taxi service for my daughter when she's a little older!

4) This is a bit sad. When I was at school, I was shy, spotty and skinny. Because of this, I was bullied for most of my school life. I had zero self confidence! When I was about 15, I had some highlights put in my hair and finally discovered fashion. I was actually pretty!! Suddenly, I wasn't a target for the bullies anymore and was getting male attention. I loved it! For the next ten years or so, I milked it for all it was worth!! I've been engaged about 5 times and married twice.
Somehow over the last ten years, my new found self-confidence evaporated. I put on weight when I'd thought I could eat whatever I liked and stay slim, and now I'm anti-social, fat and a bit boring!!

5) I've lost count, but know I have somewhere in the region of 4,000 CDs which cover just about every genre from folk to hip-hop. I'm a huge country music fan, and still rue the day when CMT went off air in Europe about 11 years ago! My biggest ambition is to go to Nashville and one of my friends is actually over there now for the CMA festival. She's emailed a few times, and is having a great time.

6) Apart from my husband and daughter - and my music collection of course - the other great passion in my life is Ipswich Town Football Club. I've been a season ticket holder since 1997 and have supported them since 1983, when my dad had free tickets for a match against Sunderland (how sad that I still remember that) and took me along with him. I was hooked, and although I no longer get to every game, I try to go at least once a month.
My husband hates football, though he has a Chelsea tracksuit and t-shirt. He likes to pretend he's a huge supporter, even though he never even watches them on television, never mi let alone actually going to Stamford Bridge!

7) During my lifetime, I would like to visit every continent. I'm actually well on the way, having already been to Europe (naturally), North America, Australia & Africa. Other than Nashville, I would like to visit Brazil, Jamaica and Israel (though maybe not at the moment). My husband wants to go to Dubai and of course my daughter wants to go to see Mickey Mouse!!

8) We're currently trying for another baby. It's taking a long time and I have mixed feelings about it to be honest. I'm a strong believer in fate, so I suppose it'll happen if or when it's meant to!

There are other things I could have written about, but most are just too personal to share at this stage. More baggage than Heathrow, that's me!

Family Day Out

2007-06-13T10:19:00.000-07:00

Phew! Another hot day! Not that I'm complaining, but I'm not looking forward to the thunderstorms which are supposesdly due to hit any time now!

Today, we have been to Burnham-On-Crouch - a pretty little riverside town in Essex. It means a lot to me as I went to school there several moons ago! I always come over all nostalgic when I visit the town, which is strange really, as I hated school! Funny how time clouds our memories!

We had a lovely day, stopping at one of the little pubs along the quay for lunch. It was a pity that the food came from a freezer rather than the river, but never mind, it still tasted ok.

It's a strange place Burnham, I always feel that it hasn't quite reached its potential. Today, with the sun shining on the water and all the little fishing boats bobbing about, there should've been hundreds of people there, but we only saw a handful - and I'm sure they were locals! It's like a poor man's Marbella, but with a little imagination (and perhaps a large injection of cash), it could so easily resemble the real thing. There are no souvenir shops or tacky amusement arcades, and only one burger bar among the more exotic Chinese, Indian and Thai restaurants in the town (tellingly, I didn't notice a single seafood restaurant - not even a fish & chip shop). Burnham remains unspoilt. There are several newly built, expensive houses along the quayside, all painted white. Their balconies overlook the river. If I had money, I would love to own one!
Mind you, on a cold day in February, that idea loses its appeal! Perhaps that's why it remains as it is and hasn't been changed into a playboy's paradise!

The Birthday

2007-06-11T08:22:00.000-07:00

What a beautiful day it was yesterday. The sun appeared early in the morning, and didn't go down until late in the evening (unlike today which is much more typical in its grey, miserable Britishness).

I got up early (for me) yesterday, rising at just after 9am (having only gone to bed at 3.30am). My mum and dad, who typically of their generation, get up with the larks (they have a rule whereby they must not sleep beyond 8.30 or something really bad will happen to them, whatever time they might have gone to bed) were already up and busily trying to assemble my daughter's new slide before she got up. The intense heat didn't help their quest, neither did the fact that it is less than a week since my Dad came out of hospital (someone please tell him he's not invincible). Anyway, even with my half-hearted attempts to help, we couldn't put the damned thing together! When my daughter and husband came downstairs, the shell of the slide stood, slightly self-consciously I felt, right in the middle of our living room! She didn't even notice it at first, such was her haste to reach the rest of her unopened presents.

I'm the first to hold up my hands and admit that our daughter is spoilt! However, her sheer joy whenever she receives a new toy or book is so wonderful, it's very hard to hold back when we are buying for her. I know I'm biased, but she's such a pleasure to buy things for as she very rarely asks for anything and if given a choice between two items in a shop, has no trouble putting one of them back - sometimes even both if she decides she doesn't want them after all! Anyway, I feel justified now so will get swiftly back to the birthday. She played with every single toy she received, no matter who had bought it or how small it was, nothing was ignored.

It took my husband, my dad my mum and ... well the three of them (someone had to keep the little one occupied after all) most of the morning and a good part of the afternoon to finish putting up the slide. I did get the job of holding something for a while as my mum had gone to the loo or somewhere so I can add my name to the list of helpers! When it was eventually assembled, it was still sunny outside and not yet dark as feared at one point! She loved it and played on it non stop for ages, sometimes sliding down on her own, sometimes with her newest Dora doll or old faithful "Baby". I don't think she understood that we adults were too big to take our turns.

The much anticipated cake cutting ceremony was put on hold, sadly, as she fell asleep in the early evening and didn't wake up until after my mum & dad had gone to bed. We keep very strange hours in this household due to my husband's horrible job. Our normal bed time is anywhere between 2-3am as he doesn't normally get home until 1am and as she knows Daddy will be coming home, the little one doesn't go to bed as such until we do, though if we're lucky, she'll have a nap at some point during the evening. Even on weekends, our body clocks are so messed up, we don't go to bed until we know every party-goer and nightclubber is safely tucked up in bed. We do stay in bed longer than most normal people in the mornings though to make up for it, rarely rising before 10.30am.
Hopefully, we'll get the cake done tonight, though she is actually sleeping again right now.

When she woke up this morning, she was sick. I don't know what caused it, possibly just too much sun or too much excitement yesterday. She's only ever been sick once before and she didn't understand what was happening to her. Thankfully, she ate several rich tea biscuits (an achievement in itself as she doesn't really like eating. She's been under a dietician for over a year as she was underweight - she's now out of that category though thank goodness) and she's been fine since.

I can't believe she's 3 years old. It's gone so fast. When I think back to the day I was admitted to hospital - in shock, as she wasn't due for another 4 weeks - and the ensuing problems and dramas caused by my pre-eclampsia and high blood pressure, it seems on the one hand like it was only yesterday, but on the other, as if it was in a different lifetime entirely!

Dilemma! Please Help!!

2007-06-09T09:49:00.000-07:00

Some days ago, I mentioned that I had been in touch with my long lost auntie and that it was all very exciting! Well, not any more! Having expected my Dad to be as thrilled as I was at the news, I'm disappointed to say that he is suddenly very reluctant to ring her. It's been a long time and there's still a lot of bitterness and resentment there. However, I dont' want to lose touch with her again myself as I've only just found her again!!

I'm not sure what I should do. I feel that someone should call her to at least let her know my Dad is still alive! He was in Intensive Care when I last spoke to her. But on the other hand, as my mum and my husband have both pointed out, she has made no further effort to contact us for news! Maybe she's frightened to. Does anyone have any suggestions for the best way to resolve this without too much bloodshed?

Celebrations and Tributes

2007-06-05T09:06:00.000-07:00

Hooray!! My Dad is out of Hospital at last!! It's so lovely to see him as he sits on the floor playing lego and doing jigsaws with my almost three-year-old daughter!! Despite her promises however, when Grandad first arrived back she went all shy and refused all our cajoling to shower him with kisses and cuddles!

His fantastic homecoming was tinged with sadness however, as he discovered this morning that John, a friend he made in the hospital, is dying. John had been brought in a couple of weeks ago and while he didn't look too ill at the time, his condition rapidly deteriorated. He and his family always had a smile not only for my Dad but also for my mum or me when we visited. He is now in Intensive Care and our prayers and thoughts are with them all at this time.

Back to happier things. It's my daughter's 3rd birthday on Sunday and although our celebrations are going to be more subdued than originally planned, due to my dad's illness, it's still going to be a big cause for celebration. We're having a cake made specially, with a pretty picture of the Disney Princesses on top. If it is half as nice as the Dora cake we had last year, it will be delicious!! We've gone overboard as always with our present buying, she'll be getting a house (no not a real one), a slide and several other prezzies - many of which will no doubt be consigned to the forgotten toybox by the following day! We will spend the day visiting her Grandparents and other relatives in East London and the in evening we will have the cake and probably a takeaway (Chinese I hope) with my parents in our home.

Passing Ships

2007-06-04T04:16:00.000-07:00

Isn't it sad when we lose touch with people we care about? Today is the birthday of a good friend I haven't seen for about 10 years and I'm thinking of her as I always do on this date. If only I had her address!

Amber and I were good friends. We always knew how to have a laugh, even when we were delivering leaflets door to door or asking neighbours if they had a cat and if so, would they like a free sample of the Felix cat food we were lugging about in our not so attractive shopping trolleys. Then there was the time we stood cheerfully in the foyer of Morrison's selling raffle tickets for Kidney Research. We even tried Betterware (whatever happened to them?)but the bloke we were working for was a bit creepy so we didn't do that for long! I have to admit that Amber had much more enthusiasm for these enterprising schemes than me! How I longed for the warmth of my living room as we walked the streets of Carlisle in the depths of winter!

Neither of us were Cumbrians and we laughed together at their strange accent and close-knit communities. However, when it came to men - I moved in with a Cumbrian, and she married one! Neither union lasted the course and I left the area first, returning to my beloved South. The news that Amber's surly, budgie-faced husband had left her for another woman made me indignant on her behalf. Amber was beautiful and full of life - he didn't deserve her really! Anyway, she moved away from Cumbria and eventually met a new man. I think he was a Doctor or something. As far as I know, they moved in together and I hope they are still happy together.

It was just after my marriage that we lost touch. Amber had a habit of sending letters without putting her home address at the top and stupidly, I hadn't written her address down so when I lost her letter, I also lost Amber! I've moved again since, though I'm pretty sure there were no more letters from her to forward.

If anyone out there should know where she is, I would love to hear from her again. However, I fear our friendship will be forever consigned to history! Like I said, isn't it a shame when we lose touch with our friends?

Disappointment!

2007-06-01T07:23:00.000-07:00

For two weeks, my Dad has been out of Intensive Care and is now in a depressing, stuffy, and downright miserable ward where the nurses seemingly couldn't care less about his welfare. Never was the incompetence more obvious than this morning when we learned that he will not be coming out today after all as they have finally discovered his diarrhoea (he's only had it for two weeks)!! They have taken a sample (lovely) which needs to be tested! How many times have we been told that? Of course, the results will not be known for at least a few days - heaven forbid they do anything over the weekend!

Add to this the fact that someone had written on his notes, "constipated! Needs laxative" and that for a time he was getting the wrong tablets, and it isn't difficult to imagine our total despair and distrust of our whole medical system.

We tried to keep an open mind when he was first admitted, but slowly our trust and confidence has evaporated to leave only a gaping hole of disappointment and helplessness within us. Even his eventual admission wasn't without it's faults. Despite his obvious and quite frightening symptoms, the first time he went to Hospital, he was discharged at 11.45pm (despite us being told he had been given a cup of cocoa and had settled down for the night when we rang to check on him) and given only antibiotics (the wrong ones as it turned out)! It was only as his condition worsened over the next couple of days to a severe degree, that we were able to get him admitted at all! Within two days of his admission, he was transferred first to High Dependency and then to Intensive Care as he wasn't able to breathe for himself and needed oxygen in the form of a mask. He hated that mask and at first refused to keep it on. We were warned by the pessimistic Doctor in Intensive care (the same one who told us the next day to prepare for the worst!!) that if they had to sedate him, he would be more vulnerable to infection and would be unable to fight the bugs at the hospital! Jobe's comforter or what!! At six thirty the following morning, only six hours after we'd left the Hospital,the same doctor called to inform us that my dad had indeed been sedated and transferred to Intensive care.

The two most awful and incredibly powerful memories I have of the time are firstly, the sight of him, shaking and confused, being helped into my husband's car by my mum as they took him to Hospital for the second time. He had no idea how ill he was, but he looked like a very old man. As I watched from the doorway, my young daughter in my arms, I shed helpless tears at the pitiful spectacle.
The second memory is of the time when we arrived at the hospital just two days later as he was being taken to the High Dependency ward. He was hallucinating and informed us confidently that the two hospital porters who had wheeled his bed into the lift, were in fact bailiffs. I couldn't believe that this poor man was my Dad. Again I cried.

He has been through so much in such a short space of time, but finally we thought he was coming out. To make us wait even a little longer, due to such negligence is incredibly upsetting and makes us very angry. I hope they find out the cause of his embarrassing problem and give him his dignity back soon. We miss him and want him back where he belongs so that we can all get on with our lives!!

Reunion

2007-05-31T08:38:00.000-07:00

Something truly amazing happened a couple of weeks ago. It was while my Dad was in Intensive Care. Though the stream of visitors who came to see him was steady and welcome, there was one person who didn't come. My Dad's older sister! They had fallen out some twenty five or so years ago and hadn't been in touch with each other since. I know my Dad had tried to make contact, but all attempts were shunned.

Until now!

I took it upon myself to write to my Auntie, letting her know of my Dad's condition. I'd written once before, just after the birth of my daughter, but received no reply or acknowledgement. I didn't hold out much hope this time to be honest! Imagine my delight then, when a couple of days after I sent that second letter, my Auntie rang me! The really strange thing was that she had moved house, and had actually received both my letters together just that morning! I don't know why it had taken 2 years for my first letter to reach her, and I don't really care. The important thing is that she had received them both, and had rung me straight away!

We had a lovely long chat, catching up on the happy news of my daughter and also my cousins' new lives with their own wives and children. We also talked, of course of the worrying condition of my Dad and the sad death of her husband some ten years ago.

I'm hoping that when my Dad is out of Hospital and feeling stronger, he can build a relationship again with his sister. I have tried so hard over the years to track down my three cousins, and would like nothing more than to get to know them again. We haven't been in touch since we were all children! The eldest lives in Florida and I harbour dreams of visiting him when we take our daughter to Disney World in a couple of years - depending of course, which part of Florida he lives in!!

This looks like it could be one story with a very happy ending!

Good News

2007-05-30T08:36:00.000-07:00

I thought he was going to die. In my head, I was planning a funeral. It was the Doctor's fault, "be prepared for the worst." he told us when they transferred my Dad to Intensive Care. How on earth do you prepare for the worst?
We stood at his bedside with tears coursing down our cheeks, feeling an overwhelming sense of shock, loss and disbelief. This couldn't be happening.
My Dad has always been a healthy, strong man - never a day's illness in nearly 70 years! And yet, here we were sitting beside his motionless self in the Intensive Care ward as the many machines around him beeped and blinked furiously. My mum and I leaned on each other for comfort yet we each harboured secret unknown thoughts, such as the plans for his funeral which guilitly took shape in my own mind.
Family members I hadn't seen for years came somberly to visit, offering love and comfort at a time when it was most needed.

But my Dad didn't die. He started, very slowly, to get better. He began to breathe on his own and one by one the machines were switched off, no longer required as he rallied and fought to get well. Only later did we discover that his particular strain of pneumonia was so severe, it often kills. Sometimes, I guess because of the medicine, he would hallucinate and often found the line between real and imagined to be very blurry, but that's getting better now too.

On Friday, my Dad will be released from the smelly, understaffed and sometimes hostile confines he has acquired an unexpected affection for. He is coming home! It's such wonderful news, I want to shout it from any available roof or mountain top! In the absence of those, this blog will do nicely!